And for the second time in my life, I’ve learned that Santa is not real

Emma Hope Craig and Abigail Grace Craig were born April 13 & 14, respectively. They were born gasping for air and nourishment for which their bodies were not yet developed to receive. They came from my body which was not healthily enough to sustain their development. And on that day, my heart shattered. I’ve been picking up the pieces ever since. I’ve most of them gathered, but there seems to be a large piece missing. I think, perhaps, that it may be buried in the Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery in a little white casket with two beautiful, perfect angels.
I experienced grief before April 13 & 14. I suffered two miscarriages before I was pregnant with the twins, but that grief was different. I didn’t see their beating hearts; I didn’t feel their kicking feet, and as painful as those losses were the connection wasn’t as strong as it was with Emma and Abby. I had suffered family members passing away. They were old or involved in activities detrimental to their health. It was part of the plan right? We come here to die, but first we must live. Why would God take my two daughters before they even had a chance to live in the world?
Do you remember the moment you learned Santa Claus was not real? I remember as a child hearing things from my friends and wondering about the reality of Santa. My suspicions were confirmed after asking my mother about St. Nick in church (because, “you cannot lie in church – right?”). However disappointing it may have been that the jolly ole’ man wasn’t real, it didn’t affect me terribly because I would still get presents! The Santa concept still existed: if you are good you get presents, if you are bad you do not.
And doesn’t that concept hold true for most things in our lives? If you break the law you go to prison. If you work hard at school you will get good grades. Do onto others as you would have done to you. Cause and effect. So what did I do to cause this, what rule did I break, and what crime or sin did I commit to have the two most precious gifts ever received taken from me? This has been the most difficult hurdle to overcome in dealing with my grief, in putting the pieces back together. Since I know it was not Santa who originally gave me these gifts, my questions went to God. Because aren’t children blessings? Doesn’t everyone say, “We’ve been blessed with X children.”?
Jim and I visited our pastor to help walk us through these questions. She recommended I read, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold Kushner, and for the second time in my life, I learned that Santa was not real. This time the disappointment was profound. I don’t know that I was raised to believe this, but I had been living with a God who was in control of everything. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, right? But how can I live with a God who doesn’t follow cause and effect? My image of God did not answer my questions about losing Emma and Abby.
Kushner suggests that God is not in control of everything. That God would not intentionally hurt people or cause grief by taking innocent children; that God does not need “more angels”; that it is Nature, bad-luck and free will that causes bad things to happen in our lives. I struggled with this concept; because if God does not cause bad things, how can we praise him for the good things in our lives? If God doesn’t cause the good things in our lives either, then what is His role? Kushner says that His role is to give us the strength, Hope, Grace and nourishment for our souls to continue in the face of grief. And still I struggled with this. Then I thought about all of the pieces I’ve already picked up. How did I do that? A few weeks ago, the pieces were too big. Their shattered edges hurt too much. Hell, I didn’t even want the pieces anymore – keep them! But here they are, almost back together again.
I recently read a fiction book (I forget the title), and the main character likened experiencing the death of a family member to joining a club. It’s not necessarily a club you wanted to join, but by joining you have a greater knowledge than those not in the club. However, the price you paid for that knowledge is great and you would do anything to not have the knowledge. Unfortunately, once you’re in…you’re in. I certainly would do anything to not be a part of this club. I would give up my knowledge that the Santa-God of my adult life does not exist; that my God does not control everything and I have to believe that, because if I don’t believe that, I think it would be difficult for me to believe at all. But I’m in, and I’m missing a large piece that I don’t think I’ll ever get back, but at least I know now the truth about Santa.

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psalm 27:14)

It's been a rough year...but our wait was worth it.

I ended up having a second miscarriage in Oct; it was a very early one, but devastating none the less. However, God certainly does work in strange ways. I had a positive pregnancy test Dec 4th as I was getting ready to head to the airport for a business trip. It was a week before my birthday and I was ECSTATIC with my present. Of course, we had apprehensions and it was nerve-racking to be out of town and not able to visit my doctor right away. When I returned they checked my progesterone levels and everything looked good. And then we had our appointment...

Dec 22:

Jim went with me. The doctor's office was behind schedule. We listened to the same Christmas CD at least 3 times in the doctors office and tried to keep each other entertained and calm. A couple walked in with infant twins. As they juggled carseats, bags, children and maneuvered their way through the waiting room, Jim said to me, "Oh, that would suck. Can you imagine? Watch it happen to us because you watch all that Jon and Kate + 8 crap!". And I responded, "Whatever - it's not contagious!". And then we were called back...

The doctor immediately said congrats and prepped us for the ultrasound. He pointed out the baby and the heartbeat. We both started crying to see our little peanut alive and doing well. And then the doctor said, "Let's see something here...here's a second heartbeat! You're having twins!". With which Jim responded to our very Catholic Dr, "Holy @$%!". We were in shock and laughing and shocked and THRILLED.

God has truly blessed us. While he decided that he needed our two angles in heaven, he blessed us with two peanuts to have and hold. I've still been a nervous wreck, but everything has been going well and both babies look healthy.

My belly at ~11 weeks:

My belly at 19 weeks: