And for the second time in my life, I’ve learned that Santa is not real

Emma Hope Craig and Abigail Grace Craig were born April 13 & 14, respectively. They were born gasping for air and nourishment for which their bodies were not yet developed to receive. They came from my body which was not healthily enough to sustain their development. And on that day, my heart shattered. I’ve been picking up the pieces ever since. I’ve most of them gathered, but there seems to be a large piece missing. I think, perhaps, that it may be buried in the Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery in a little white casket with two beautiful, perfect angels.
I experienced grief before April 13 & 14. I suffered two miscarriages before I was pregnant with the twins, but that grief was different. I didn’t see their beating hearts; I didn’t feel their kicking feet, and as painful as those losses were the connection wasn’t as strong as it was with Emma and Abby. I had suffered family members passing away. They were old or involved in activities detrimental to their health. It was part of the plan right? We come here to die, but first we must live. Why would God take my two daughters before they even had a chance to live in the world?
Do you remember the moment you learned Santa Claus was not real? I remember as a child hearing things from my friends and wondering about the reality of Santa. My suspicions were confirmed after asking my mother about St. Nick in church (because, “you cannot lie in church – right?”). However disappointing it may have been that the jolly ole’ man wasn’t real, it didn’t affect me terribly because I would still get presents! The Santa concept still existed: if you are good you get presents, if you are bad you do not.
And doesn’t that concept hold true for most things in our lives? If you break the law you go to prison. If you work hard at school you will get good grades. Do onto others as you would have done to you. Cause and effect. So what did I do to cause this, what rule did I break, and what crime or sin did I commit to have the two most precious gifts ever received taken from me? This has been the most difficult hurdle to overcome in dealing with my grief, in putting the pieces back together. Since I know it was not Santa who originally gave me these gifts, my questions went to God. Because aren’t children blessings? Doesn’t everyone say, “We’ve been blessed with X children.”?
Jim and I visited our pastor to help walk us through these questions. She recommended I read, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold Kushner, and for the second time in my life, I learned that Santa was not real. This time the disappointment was profound. I don’t know that I was raised to believe this, but I had been living with a God who was in control of everything. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, right? But how can I live with a God who doesn’t follow cause and effect? My image of God did not answer my questions about losing Emma and Abby.
Kushner suggests that God is not in control of everything. That God would not intentionally hurt people or cause grief by taking innocent children; that God does not need “more angels”; that it is Nature, bad-luck and free will that causes bad things to happen in our lives. I struggled with this concept; because if God does not cause bad things, how can we praise him for the good things in our lives? If God doesn’t cause the good things in our lives either, then what is His role? Kushner says that His role is to give us the strength, Hope, Grace and nourishment for our souls to continue in the face of grief. And still I struggled with this. Then I thought about all of the pieces I’ve already picked up. How did I do that? A few weeks ago, the pieces were too big. Their shattered edges hurt too much. Hell, I didn’t even want the pieces anymore – keep them! But here they are, almost back together again.
I recently read a fiction book (I forget the title), and the main character likened experiencing the death of a family member to joining a club. It’s not necessarily a club you wanted to join, but by joining you have a greater knowledge than those not in the club. However, the price you paid for that knowledge is great and you would do anything to not have the knowledge. Unfortunately, once you’re in…you’re in. I certainly would do anything to not be a part of this club. I would give up my knowledge that the Santa-God of my adult life does not exist; that my God does not control everything and I have to believe that, because if I don’t believe that, I think it would be difficult for me to believe at all. But I’m in, and I’m missing a large piece that I don’t think I’ll ever get back, but at least I know now the truth about Santa.